What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 18:31
We all went to grammer schools
Comes on , in middle age.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
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But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
What did i know ?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Why do some men like anal sex?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
This is soul school!.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
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But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
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So, i spoilt her more .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
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BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I have no regrets .
What habits do happy couples have?
She was in good health!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
So whats the point in blame.
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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
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I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
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Who then, do I blame.?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Why would a person always be so tired?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But it wasn’t much.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
What causes you to be tired all the time and major headaches?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Was to survive, this bastard.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
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A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But, we were locked up after school.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She loved him until the end.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
When she asked me how she looked .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I write beautiful poetry .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
All the time i was locked up.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He knew the spot.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I don,t even have a pension.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But ive been too sick for many years..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I waited trembling.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
(And it was in our own minds.)
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was scared of men, in general
I will be 64.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was seconnd youngest,
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
My family never makes their pension either.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Put me off passion for life!!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I never cut or harmed myself..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
We were not on the streets..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I was very sick at this time too.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
One cannot live in the past .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Im still living with it.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I could never make a relationship work though!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My life is so biszare .
Would this be the day?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He resisted the act ,that day.
She married twice! .
She wouldn,t have been !
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I think the readers, may guess!
I said to her
It was going to be , some day.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Ive learnt so much.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I was 9 years of age.
And i lived it daily.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She found it foreign!.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Especially a lifetime of it.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
And who doesn’t know suffering?